sort of Harry Potter spinoff/sidestory

This is just a weird little spinoff that I found in my desk the other day. It's not very good, and any tips you might have are welcome. I think I wrote it when I was about eight so it really isn't my best writing.

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Chapter 1
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Evening in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry, Ron, Hermione were sitting silently around the table, when they were startled by the creak of the front door, and, a second later; the sound of the intruder jinx activating.

“Severus Snape?” the trio around the table sat in frozen silence, waiting for reply. After a pause, they heard the reply;

“It was not I who killed you”. There was a pause, and the kitchen door creaked open, and Remus Lupin stepped into the room.

“Remus!” Hermione exclaimed, jumping up from her seat.

“Hi,” Lupin said. He was looking a bit more tired than usual, his eyes rimmed with darkness from lack of sleep “I’ve brought a new member of the Order with me. He’s going to help me protect you. He is known as Mactire” at this announcement, a tall, thin young man entered. Harry’s first impressions of Mactire were of a steely wild animal; something about the way Mactire carried himself; the way he made no sound as he moved. Mactire moved forward, hand extended.

“Remus has told me a lot about you” he said. Harry noticed that he had a smooth Scottish accent that added a lilt to his speaking. Harry shook the extended hand. Now he had got past the initial shock of a new face, he took in Mactire’s appearance. Mactire had a handsome face, with steely grey/blue eyes. His hair dark brown and rather haphazard to the point of being messy, and he had sideburns. He was wearing a dark blue shirt and jeans, and had a light brown long coat over the top. After a moment’s hesitation, Hermione and Ron also shook his hand. There was a strange little silence, then Remus cleared his throat.

“Molly asked me to make sure you eat enough… erm… have you?” asked Lupin.

“We were just about to eat” Hermione said. “are you joining us?” Lupin nodded.

“We are the Advanced Guard now. Everyone else is… preoccupied with the struggle at the Ministry” Lupin replied. Harry looked around, green eyes flying around the kitchen.

“Kreacher?” he called, walking over to the kitchen door and looking down the hall. With a sharp crack, Kreacher the house elf materialised next to Harry. “Er… will you help us make dinner, Kreacher?” Harry asked. Kreacher bobbed his head and went over to the draws, pulling out five sets of cutlery. Lupin watched with amusement.

“When did he start taking orders? Lat time I checked he was a cynical little -” he asked.

“Harry gave him a locket which belonged to Regulus Black. Kreacher regarded Regulus as his master” Ron explained, interrupting the older man.

“And now Kreacher is more respectful and happy!” said Hermione brightly. Ron and Harry glanced at each other, and then quickly looked away, suppressed grins trying to burst out into the open. At this moment, Kreacher walked over and tugged on one of the legs of Harry’s jeans.

“What are the masters and mistress requiring for their dinner?” Everyone looked at each other. Harry shrugged, scratching his shoulder.

“Steak and potatoes?” suggested Ron. Everyone agreed to this, so Kreacher limped back over to the stove.

During dinner, Harry gave Lupin the rundown on what had been happening. Nothing much had actually happened, so soon the table lapsed into silence. The room kept getting darker until Mactire put his hand palm-side up on the table and a couple of small blue flames burst into life. The room was quickly filled with the flickering light as the flames grew brighter. The light created strange shadows on Mactire’s face, making it seem more angular.

“How did you do that?” Hermione asked, looking hard at the little flames cupped in Mactire’s hand.

“Well, I just think the right incantation, which is ‘incendia’, and direct it to my hand”. Hermione, of course, was the first to master it. Ron and Harry, however, only managed to light the table on fire. At that point they decided it was probably a good idea to give up and go to sleep.

The next day they all packed their stuff into Hermione’s small beaded bag. Once they had stepped outside; they apparated, with Hermione directing them. When they arrived, they found themselves in a forest. The trees were coloured with the rusty leaves of autumn, and the ground was littered with fallen leaves, making it look like a huge multicoloured carpet covering the mud and dirt that made up the forest floor. With a flick of her wand, Hermione set up the miraculous tent that was bigger on the inside. Harry wandered off a couple of steps and began to murmur enchantments to protect them from any wizards or muggles alike that might be wandering around the forest.

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Yeah - I know it's bad. I was eight. deal with it.

Considering you were only eight, I think this is great. There were obviously some grammatical errors in there, but very very few. I enjoyed reading it, but wondered at its relevance to the story?

Were you planning on writing more about Mactire, or was this just a random little scene you decided to make up? Believe me, for an eight year old kid, this is pretty darn good. Half my class now couldnt write it, and I just started college ('high school').

I can do a proper edit if you like, but up to you- i'm easy.
Overall, it was pretty great for your age, especially the spelling and grammar(:

Dom

yeah there is more of it but not much... and I haven't edited it or even seen it at all since I was 8.

I can honestly say I have no clue where you were going with the story. But to be fair it is also too late and my brain is dead.

Either way I found it very engaging, I liked the dialog, and it was interesting. And your OC was better than mine at eight.

umm, yeah. That's it I think. I didn't get the "Severus Snape" bit in the beginning. Although, again. late and tired. Was it part of a call and response password?

The "Severus Snape" bit was in the last book. Because Snape killed Dumbledore

Dude, for something written when you were eight, this is rather good. My main issue is with the pace. If you were to rewrite it, which you should definitely consider, I'd add a lot more padding. A lot of the stuff I wrote at that age (and then some, shamefully) just jumped from scene to scene without really elaborating. It can often feel a bit unsatisfying.






Also I don't mean to pick but I believe, unless you've made up a whole new incantation, it's "incendio". But that is rather unimportant. I'm just a geek.

Meh. I wrote it when I was eight.

How am I not surprised that you have a quote from 'the boy with a thorn in his side' as your sig?

Good to see you Baxelis. You are needed in choir. Btw, Harry's leaving because his voice is low, which is ridiculous because he can sing higher than I can

Well, because I associate this forum with you, I thought that the aforementioned song was quite apt. ;D

As if Harry's leaving. My heart breaks for him. Make him get Facebook. D;



(Rather-but-not-entirely-unrelated, I can so hit a low B now.)

Dude, I can sing way lower than you... my singing voice is getting lower.

Harry says he's getting facebook... we're all pestering him to get it because he's leaving... it's actually not fair because he can sing higher than I can




The boy with a thorn in his side...

I don't want to sound evil. Okay maybe I do, but that's besides the point. Point is two things, spam and is Scottie going to make another chapter? Because I think you've got a good start, and you should continue it. Also are you a HxH fan?

By HxH, do you mean Harry and Hermione?

Baxelis wrote:

By HxH, do you mean Harry and Hermione?

Yes, I've always liked that pairing better.

Erk... not me. Hermione/Ron was something of an OTP for me since book 1.


And Harry should just die alone. Ginny can do better. ^^

I'm not getting into a pairing bashing here! And yes, Ginny can do better, my favorite character has always been Hermione.

Haha, me neither! I completely respect any and all pairings. Except Hermione/Snape.

Hermione was my first favourite character... she's just so kick-arse.

Guys, this discussion may be better suited for the Harry Potter thread, yes? Let's not spam Scottie's story(:

Thanks.

Cough, right. No spam...Scottie do you want some help thinking up some more ideas? Are you going to continue?

I really have no idea...

Geez Ally, no spamming. Come on!

I do have other stuff I've written but it's weird

Weird can be good...I mean if its different and new then I would be more inclined to read it.